a virtuális térben

Jó estét. Olyan különös ez, nem ismerek közületek senkit, de mégis, mindahányszor elfog a szívem gyöngesége, idefordulok, hozzátok. Mert ti voltatok tanúi a szívem utolsó virágba borulásának. Ti fogadtatok és láttatok el tanáccsal, együttérzéssel, virtuális öleléssel, amikor nem volt kihez fordulnom. Mert a növényeknek az ilyen késői szárba szökkenése, sziromba borulása - nem történhet büntetlenül, s mivel nem mondhatom el senkinek, Karinthyval szólva: elmondom hát mindenkinek.
Ha idelátogatok, hozzátok, az mindig olyan, mintha visszapergetném az időt, mert ez az a hely, ahol a szerelmemről beszélhetek, ahol szabadon emlékezhetek rá, ahol sirathatom. Elvarrtam már magamban a szálakat, nem táplálok sem reményt, sem bánatot, újra meghíztam, visszaöregedtem valódi koromba, már nem csodálkoznak rám az ismerőseim: de szép vagy! Ezek a szikkadt, ködös napok végleg elzárnak minden illúziómtól, csönd van, mozdulatlanság, hideg. És már nem is akarok új izgalmakat, üzenetet várni, remélni, készenlétben lenni.
Bár nyugalom nincs, de csönd van. A lélek hallgat, a szív pihen.

De ez a virtuális világ odateszi időnként elébem a feladványait: na, ezzel most mit kezdesz?
Nemcsak a thesecreten, a g-mail rendszerében is látni lehet, ha az ismerősünk éppen online. Egy apró zöld pötty jelzi a neve mellett: itt vagyok! És ez színes kis jel, ez a zöld csillag világít időnként bele az életem sötétjébe, ez fénylik ott a monitoron, és olyankor tudom, hogy ott ül valahol ő, akiben tavaly ősszel még annyira hittem. Olyankor emlékszem, hogy karácsony előtt még volt volt körülöttem szépség, báj, erő. Olyankor felrémlik minden elképzelt és vágyott történet, minden csoda, ami akár meg is történhetett volna. Az a zöld kis fény még meg tudja bennem gyújtani a tüzet, ami azt lobogja: VAN ÉLET.

Nem, nem akarok a szerelemről beszélni. Már elmúlt. És csak azért fáj, mert valódi volt.

Köszönöm.

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