Halkuló hiány

A legmélyebb sorstragédiának, a gyermekem elvesztésének feldolgozhatatlan, szükségszerű, szinte véget nem érő – immár évtizedes - magányában az éjszakai töprengések élet és halál kérdésein, vagy valami különös kegyelemből adódó késztetésre történhetett, hogy e szenvedés idővel − észrevétlenül − tollat rejtett a kezembe: írjak a titokzatos taburól, a megrendítő gyászról, majd a túlélésről, botladozásaimról a lélek rejtelmeiben.

Lélekúton járok, hallgatva a különös késztetésre, és írok e benső utazás fájdalomból fakadó létélményeiről, de a bizonyságról is − mert megtapasztaltam − hogy van remény a gyászoló anya számára is.
A fásult bénultság, a túlélés vágya és kapaszkodás, majd megint földre zuhanás, és újra a fény felé fordulás ismétlődő stációit megélve születtek a verseim a lét - nemlét kérdéseiről, de a vágyott örök körforgás − test és lélek, az ember és a természet újjászületésének − hitében és reményével.
Útközben újra élni tanulok: megélni örömöt és bánatot, mosolyt és könnyeket, magasságot és mélységeket. Keresem az igazságot, csodálom a hó és a fény tisztaságát, az élet és a halál megfejthetetlen titkait − a sírás és a csönd körforgásának misztériumában.
A vers ritmusa számomra a lét dallama − a boldogság, és a fájdalom muzsikája.
Nekem a vers a lelkem is.

2012-ben jelent meg Halkuló hiány című verseskötetem, amelyben életutamnak e nehéz, fájdalommal teli, mégis fontos szakaszáról gyűjtöttem össze verseket, amelyek Itt (is) olvashatók:

http://mek.oszk.hu/11500/11515/11515.pdf

Gősi Vali
Emberlét

Azt hittem, hogy mindig kék a tenger,
ha pirkadatkor ráolvad az ég,
hogy egyesülnek hajnal-ébredéssel,
és megszületik nászukból a fény.

Megismertem haragját a víznek:
hulláma ha vad, tarajos-sötét,
ultramarin-kékre vált viharban
a halált hörgő, vén tengerfenék.

Hiszem mégis: egyszer minden ember
− mint homoktenger, arany partokon −
kincseit majd szétteríti végül,

ha meghajol az égi színpadon.
Tisztább öröm nincs is a világon:
az emberlét a legszebb hatalom.

Asszociáció - Ellen Niit: Azt hittem

Gősi Vali

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